7 First Date red flags
You are either off on a first date with someone, or you have decided to start getting out there again so you might sometime soon! I am celebrating with you!
This list describes by no means the ONLY red flags to look out for, but these are important ones. I don’t recommend living, or dating, from a place of consistent red flag finding, noticing and avoiding. I essentially feel that all humans are doing our best and we are divine, wonderful beings. However, there are people you may not want to build something further with, for good reason – usually around behaviour or lifestyle choices.
While noticing some of these if they present, remain open and curious about getting to know a new human as a wonderful intention for a first date. Have a laugh together and enjoy your moments!
A red flag is a metaphor for something you sense, see, or feel that is a warning signal and can help you steer clear of somebody who is not the right fit, or somehow destructive.
Red flags help us steer clear of what we don't want. Meeting someone in a seemingly brand new configuration to the people you have loved before can be exciting. They can look and sound completely different to someone who had damaging behaviours or patterns, all the while having similar destructive tendencies you have experienced before. If you notice too many of them, head for the hills!
However, these patterns can, and do, present in someone you can have a sustainable and happy relationship with – patterns and challenging behaviour help us grow. I am not saying to search for a pattern and trauma free human - that might make your search a little needle and haystack-y. It’s only when these patterns are a very destructive and negative version that you might want to avoid them.
The other side of red flags is noticing them in our own behaviour during the first date and beyond. This list applies to ourselves too - consider the behaviours listed. Do so with oodles of gentleness and care for yourself, of course! For example, if you leave your phone on the table during a date, perhaps intimacy makes you feel uncomfortable and you want an escape. There may be a sneaky little drop of phone addiction, too. That’s totally ok, just note it as a tendency, and practice going without it occasionally.
First Date Red Flags
1. Self-centred, but not in a good way.
If they turn everything around to be about them! This could be related to nerves, however, your date might not have a very developed capacity to listen. This could be a red flag if you want understanding, empathy and effective communication in your relationship. Good listening can be learned, however starting a relationship with the intention to essentially change someone is not a recipe I suggest trying out.
2. On the reticent side.
The whole time, they don’t volunteer any information about themselves. It could be that they have something to hide, or perhaps they feel their life is not very interesting and are a bit shy. People who think their life is not interesting or who are shy just have some mindset adjustments to make – they could very well be a very decent and beautiful person. However, if they are out of integrity because they want to hide something it could spell trouble.
3. Personal details.
Chatting about your job, address, children, family and so on, your date is either way too interested, or not interested at all. If they want to know any specific details, for example where you live or work, be careful with sharing that information. Note it as a red flag if your intuition tells you to. It could just be curiosity, which is a good thing - but you don’t want to give out these details too soon for safety reasons.
Hopefully, you wouldn’t end up on a date with someone who has creepy energy, because you practice using your intuition. You used it when you got to know them a little first either online or in person before you agreed on the date. On the other hand, if your date does not have a jot of interest in what you say, then they may not be someone you want to spend your precious time with.
4. Too much too soon.
If your date gives you too many unhappy or gory details about their previous relationships or lives, I would definitely take note of this as something to be aware of. It might not be a proper red flag because in western culture we often divulge deeper things to complete strangers. However, some sense of how to navigate new relationships is a good quality and too much deep emotional stuff could mean your date does not know how to simply have fun without living in the darker places too often, disregarding other people’s energy and attention for it.
The too much too soon also goes for physical intimacy. You may both be keen on flirting and occasional touches but you will both have cues as to what you want in your space and what you don’t. If your date can’t read your cues and they sit too close to you, in an uncomfortable way, it’s certainly a red flag going forward because who wants a partner who’s behaviour when it comes to physical intimacy doesn’t take your wishes into account.
5. Phone addiction.
If your date looks at their phone the whole time, or even if they just leave the phone on the table – it could be a problem. Apart from sending a subtle message of halt to connection, what subconscious messages are they giving out? Are they saying that their work, and communicating with others, is more important than the person in front of them?
Many people think they must be reachable at all times, and set their lives up as though that were true. I don’t suggest writing the person off completely, however it is important to note this tendency and suggest a different possibility next time you hang out - early on in the relationship if this is important to you. You don't want your partner to be more committed to their boss, or Siri, than with you.
6. Safety first.
If your date wants you to be alone with them in a private place make sure you make it clear that that won’t be happening today. Get to know someone before you make being alone with them, and of course the same goes with choosing closer intimacy. It can be dangerous to not be in a public place when you are first getting to know someone – and, your date might expect that you will connect sexually. If your date needs this intimate connection before any friendship is built, it may indicate a lack of interest in other ways to relate. Perhaps not, it’s just something to be aware of.
As a love attraction coach, getting intimate immediately is not what I recommend. Chemistry has helped many folk get into relationships with people they’d prefer not to hang out with! Get to know people as friends quite well before connecting in this way. This is because we want you to create a sustainable, lasting connection. If you end up with someone that does not gel with you as a friend, it doesn’t bode well for your having a sustainable and lasting relationship. Likewise, going forward, only a friendship without the physical intimacy is not ideal either.
One of the things that will help you discern these different nuances and choices in relating - and what is right for you, is exploring your inner mental and emotional landscapes. Learning about your beliefs and patterns and how to clear them enough so that you attract someone who truly resonates with how you want to be and live in essential! Please refer to this blog for more information on inner work. https://www.welcomelastinglove.com/new-blog/shadow
5. Lifestyle Mismatch
Your date wants only veggies and you eat a Paleo diet. Or vice versa, they are ordering the steak and you are a dedicated vegan. Cue lifestyle mismatch alert! Perhaps being uber fit is something you feel passionate about, but they can’t stand focussing on fitness. Look out for aspects that would indicate you are a bit too different. Difference can be a positive thing, but fundamental differences can greatly contribute to relationship breakdown. Decide if their values and lifestyle choices are something that you can happily live with, or something that’s going to drive you crazy.
6. Being late, aggressive or impatient.
If your date is late and they have a valid reason, ok. Same goes for being especially cranky or impatient with someone. But if it happens on the 2nd date too, a serious red flag. If they don't honour and respect your time and energy now, when will they?
7. A job interview, anyone?
Oh, dear it feels like you are in a job interview. Not only does it make for a tense time, you are pretty sure you don’t want the job…
Having these things to look out for will help you just relax, get to know your date and remain open and curious. I mostly have the attitude of giving people the benefit of the doubt, however it’s only natural you have concerns, so taking note of these flags if they come up, and working out if it’s something serious, or something that you can work with is essential.
Go out and have some fun! You are a gorgeous human being and your date is too, even if they display the above. It’s your open-minded curiosity that will help you know if these behaviours are something that will bother you going forward. Remember let your love light shine beautiful being!